The rope.
heavy breathing.
Even though the evening seemed still and normal, her breath audibly sliced through the stillness, restless to release the chaos going on in her head. Standing in the empty garage space with the refrigerator humming monotonously, she could see from the window the deep orange and purple sunset with grey clouds punctuating it like an acrylic painting.
This was going to be her last view, and it satisfied her that it was a pretty sunset.
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She had never noticed the rope that leaned halfway on the garage wall until last week, when she came looking for the vegetables she had stocked up in the fridge. She was bent over, surveying the lower portion of the fridge when the corner of her eye caught its texture. That was not the day she decided she would end her existence, no, that was the day it materialized.
Nothing felt the same anymore since she gave birth a year ago. I mean, it was the miracle child she had waited nine years for, but after a month of love and joy, earth became hell, and she couldn’t recognise herself anymore. Her prescription tells her that it’s postpartum depression, but the deep darkness opened up to a void, and she counted herself as one of its victims. Lost in the void forever.
Motherhood took almost everything from her. Her body, her time, her sleep, and the ability to just function normally. Nani demanded her all, her husband needed her, the church missed her presence, and then there was her PhD in mathematics staring her in the face. In the midst of it all, her husband had lost his job a few years back, and they were plunging headfirst into poverty. She thought she was going to go mad, but she would rather end it than look into the pitiful eyes of people.
The rope gave her hope. Hope that there was an escape. Hope that this was not the end. Hope that she could return, but return to what? She couldn’t tell.
This last week was the happiest she had been in over 10 years. The pain finally had an expiry date. She chose the date well, January 31st, the day Nani was born. How ironic.
She did what any other happy person would do: she laughed. Really laughed. The kind that made your belly tighten and threaten to release the fluid in your bladder. She played with Nani and took more pictures and videos than she had in over 5 years. She joked around the house, went to church, and spent time arranging the welfare of other people. She called friends to tell them how much she loved and appreciated them, she danced with her husband for the first time in over five years, and she cooked meals that made the whole table salivate. Her husband commended her happiness, saying the antidepressants were finally working. Yes, the antidepressant of a rope.
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Turning away from the beautiful sunset to face the empty garage, her husband would pull up into this same garage in 12 minutes. Good, it left her 10 minutes to act.
She grabbed the rope from the left side of the garage, where it slanted, and the laundry basket beside the fridge. Dragging the basket to the middle of the garage, she turned it over and tested its stability with the weight of one foot. It held. She stood with her full weight on it; it held up. Good.
With the rope in her hand, she started to act. 9 minutes left. She flung the rope into the ceiling, hoping it would catch among the ridges. At first, she kept missing, so she stopped, took a deep breath to steady herself, and flung it again. This time, it caught a ridge. She tied a knot to hold it on the ridge and tied the second knot towards the base.
8 minutes left. She thought about Nani for a split second, but wiped away the thought before it could deter her from the act. She was tired, and that was all she willed her mind to think about. She was tired of not feeling good enough. She was tired of people treating her like she could pray the depression away. She was tired of hoping for a breakthrough in her husband’s career. She tied the second knot around her neck.
Tighter.
Tighter.
Tighter.
Until the airflow stopped.
Then she kicked the basket away from under her feet.
The only sound she heard while the darkness took its place was the piercing scream of Nani.
Hi guys, today is not a love and light article. I decided to tell Nani’s story in chapters, and I’d love to bring you along with me.
Please leave a like and comment if you enjoy reading this. I’m also thinking of writing this consistently, so please stick around. I love you guys.